[Eoscstudents] Healthy Relationships

[Levenia Carey]

Good Morning All:

First I would like to say thanks to all the women who have provided me 
with stories that I will use in monologues during pajama parties and 
educational training's.  I thank you for trusting me with your stories.

As we come to the close of the month and the end of Healthy Relationship 
Awareness Month, I wanted to pass on some additional tips and 
information.  I also would like to remind you that one month is not 
enough time to focus on relationships - we should always be mindful of 
our relationships with others.  The Campus Violence Prevention Project 
Office has literature twelve months out of the year and has some one 
available to assist you in maintaining healthy relationships and 
communication.  Should you need any of these services please drop by the 
office on the first floor of Miller Hall.

As the months go by.......It may be important to recognize that:

Relationships Change

Relationships change over time.  What you want from a relationship in 
the early months of dating may be quite different from what you want 
after you have been together for some time.  Changes in life outside 
your relationship will impact what you want and need from the 
relationship.  Even positive change tends to be stressful, but change is 
inevitable.  Welcoming change as an opportunity to enhance the 
relationship is more fruitful than trying to keep change from happening.

Check in Periodically

With this in mind, periodically set aside time to "check in with each 
other" on changing expectations and goals.  These discussions are hardly 
free of anxiety, and it is tempting to postpone them.  Relationships are 
sometimes compared to boating on a river:  Both partners need to be 
paddling to stay on course.  Couples can find that if they ignore 
difficult topics too long, their relationship has drifted into "rocky 
water" without their noticing.   Strategizing together about changes can 
strengthen and deepen the relationship you ar building.  And good 
communication is key....

Clarify Your Messages

A clear message:
1) Involves a respectful but direct expression of your wants and feelings.
2) Tackles one issue at a time.

Discuss One Thing at a Time

Starting out by talking about one concern and then brining up another 
when the first discussion is unfinished can also lead to problems.  Do 
your best to keep the focus on resolving one concern at a time, even if 
it is tempting to "list" other concerns or grievances.

Agree to Disagree and Move On

In discussing "The 10 secrets of happy couples," Maud Purcell, LCSW, 
suggests that most couples will encounter some issues upon which they 
will never completely agree.  Rather than continuing a cycle of repeated 
fights, agree to disagree and negotiate a compromise or find a way o 
work around the issues.

Adopt a "Win-Win" Position

A "win-win" stance means that your goal is for the relationship rather 
than either partner to "win" in a conflict situation.  This may mean 
asking yourself:  "Is what I am about to say (or do) going to increase 
or decrease the odds that we'll work this problem out?"  If  your 
partner feels bullied, out-talked, or otherwise the "loser" in a fight, 
you may win the battle but lose ground in the relationship.  A better 
approach may be to use "fair fighting" techniques. A "fair fight" 
involves a step-by-step strategy for resolving conflict in which both 
partners negotiate a mutually acceptable solution to a problem. 

If you need any additional literature or information, please feel free 
to drop by the office or give me a call.  Here's hoping all your 
relationships are "healthy ones" and that you have clear insight into 
your goals and hopes for your relationships.  Key:  Trust, Respect, 
Commitment, and Positive Communication - these ingredients can sustain a 
relationships and help you to avoid the pitfalls.

Levenia
918-465-1757
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